Don't Say Goodbye
by PirateCaptainArthur
Summary: Loving someone is never an easy task. Castiel has started feeling a fluttering around his heart when he lays eyes on a certain hunter and it takes him months to figure out why. But when he does, he knows what must be done so he doesn't end up being one of those dangerous attachments a hunter can't afford to have. No matter how hard it turns out to be to say that one word; Goodbye.


Castiel never experienced love before. For the thousands of years he had been of existence, he had never felt that kind of affection and thoughts towards a human being, or just any being for that matter. He never saw the need for the the first many, many years he had been around on the planet Earth. But as humans came to be, his Father's truly beautiful creations, he started to pick up a few things, being there to observe them from afar. The way people were drawn towards one another, the way they passionately made love for either just a night or for the rest of their human life.

He came to envy them, envy the human feelings. And sometimes, he even wished he wasn't an angel and hadn't lived for this many thousands of years, becoming empty and meaningless in the end, another angel ready to take his place if they were asked for it or if Castiel's existence faded out.

There were times where he thought about rebelling against heaven, giving up his grace and become human. He truly admired the human race. His Father's creation was amazing and he could watch these humans walk around for years. And he had done it, many times. Watched from afar, admired from afar. It brought him peace to watch humans go around with their daily life, doing what they did best or simply just enjoying the gift called life.

But he never came to it. He always came right back to his senses and continued to observe the humans instead of living with them. Despite feeling that emptiness inside of him, like something was missing by his side, he didn't stop watching his Father's creations. Never once.

Sometimes, he would glance to his side, brows furrowed in concentration. Often he hoped that whatever it was he was missing would pop up by his side, just like it was meant to be. But nothing ever did. He was always left with staring at the empty space next to him, a sorrowful aura making it around him.

Nothing ever filled in that emptiness he felt in his heart, the something or someone missing still waiting for him somewhere out there. He just had no idea who, what or where.

Another several years passed until he was given the order he probably had been waiting for for a very long time, the order that would change his whole being.

"Save Dean Winchester."

The name seemed familiar, it had a certain ring to it that caught his attention immediately.

Over the years of knowing the Winchester brothers, he became more and more attached to them. There was a certain calm around him whenever he was with them. He no longer had that feeling of emptiness, the feeling that something was missing by his side, when he was with these two boys, despite the fact that they only prayed for him when they needed something. If it meant he could watch those two boys work together and be happy for once, he would gladly sacrifice himself to do so.

And over the years, Castiel slowly realized that Dean Winchester was a fine example on how truly beautiful his Father's creation, the human race, was. The way his face was sculptured, those deep grass green eyes placed perfectly with the nose in the middle. And those lips, moving so gracefully when the man spoke, the deep voice coming out from him, a voice that always caught his attention, no matter if it was by prayer or not.

Castiel often found himself sitting there, watching the hunter while he did whatever humans did in their daily day life, this human being a hunter and a very special one indeed. He found it fascinating and he never thought he would be able to stop, despite how many times Dean himself had told him to stop watching him because apparently it was creepy to watch other men, especially in their sleep.

He never thought it was be creepy at all. Humans sleeping was fascinating.

Years had passed and Castiel found himself drawn closer and closer to this Dean Winchester. At times when his sky blue eyes landed onto those beautiful features, he felt a flutter in his stomach and chest which made his breath become heavier and deeper. This feeling was strange, too strange for his liking. But he never thought about it.

Not until one day where he decided to pop in at the motel room the Winchester boys stayed at that day.

A sound of flapping clothes sounded before the trench coat wearing angel appeared just right in the middle of the two separate beds in the motel room, one of them occupied by Sam Winchester – a man who also was a perfect example of his Father's beautiful creation despite all the bad he had done – while the other was empty.

Blue eyes searched the room for the other Winchester, narrowing down slowly as he looked. He couldn't seem to find the man.

But after he turned around, he noticed the man sitting by the small round table in the room, the laptop in front of him. It must have been a while the man had been sitting like that, bend down with his eyes closed and his chest heaving slowly, since the screen on the electronic device had gone black and it seemed like it had been like that for quite a while. If not just a few minutes, then hours.

And there it was again. That fluttering feeling in his stomach and around the heart of his vessel. It made him feel strange, strange in a good way. He found himself standing there, watching the hunter sleep for a while. He had no idea how long he just stood there, watching Dean sleep in that uncomfortable position. It could have been hours. All he knew was that he was pulled out of his thoughts when sunlight came through the window and made Sam shift behind him.

Slowly, Castiel turned around and gave the slowly wakening Sam a quick glance before he decided to disappear from the scene. But not before seeing that brotherly love between these two that always left him smiling. The love between brothers was truly the most beautiful kind of love there was to be found. Nothing can replace a brother after all. Especially not a Winchester brother.

Blinking several times sleepily, Sam slowly rolled over onto his back instead of laying on his side. It had been a long night and he had slept much longer than he planned to. He only planned to sleep for a few hours and yet he had come to sleep for several.

One hand move up to run through his long locks, finally waking up. He sat up a moment after and stretched, his attention quickly moving over to his brother who still sat where he had left him. Only now, he was sleeping in a rather uncomfortable and awkward position.

The corners of his lips slowly tugged back into a little smile as he got out of the bed and went over towards Dean, only to place a hand on his shoulder and shake him slowly to wake him up. The moment there was movement from his brother, a quick smile spread onto his lips.

"Can't be comfortable sleeping that way," he half joked and patted Dean's shoulder lightly before his hand made contact with the laptop, only to turn it around as he sat down on the chair opposite of the now yawning man before him.

Dean had to blink several times, one time with his eyes tightly closed, to wake himself up. Seemed like those four hours just weren't enough this day. Most likely because they had been too busy hunting to even think about sleep. Sleep was the least important thing at the moment.

"Yeah well... it's not. Must've blacked out." A soft sigh passed his lips, another yawn threatening to make his jaw drop. But he refused it and it only made him make a strange face which had Sam chuckling at.

A little smile tugged at the currently invisible angel's lips, threatening to appear onto his lips. He didn't refuse it. He just let it grow for a moment before it slowly disappeared again by the mentioning of his name by the older of the brothers. Slowly, he turned to the side and stared out of the window on the motel room, listening to the Winchester's conversation behind him.

Castiel never experienced love. He never thought such human feelings were necessary. He never _wanted_ human feelings. As much as he admired the whole human race and their ability to love, he knew, after years of observing, that love was very often one of the hardest things the human life could offer. And despite all the good things he saw come from love – the comfort, the kindness, the plain _love_ – he didn't find himself worthy of such a thing.

He never wished for this to happen. He was becoming too close to the human in his charge; Dean. And that's why he had to leave, to stay away for some time.

No matter how difficult it was to ignore the boys' calls and prayers and to ignore the longing feeling of speaking with them, especially Dean, he had to do it. He had to go through with it. Attachments were never a good idea, not when they came out of this human feeling called love.

And that's why Castiel had to say goodbye.

Sky blue colored eyes stared out at the open ocean, watching the waves move towards the coast, the for now empty coast. They narrowed slightly as he thought, his hands gathering to intertwine his fingers between each other and his brows knitted together. He sat leaned forward on the bench he had placed himself on, the bench that had the perfect view over the ocean. He felt at peace, finally. His Father's creation was much more beautiful than any of the human's noisy ones, the creations that only needed to get as high tech as it possibly could get. He never understood the need of that.

But coming to his own thoughts again, Castiel let an almost sorrowful expression wander over his face as his head bend down, his face hidden from anyone who may pass by him. There was no denying that he was ashamed of himself, ashamed that he felt these human feelings despite being an angel, a pure creature.

He sat there quietly for another while, thinking and then not. And in the next moment, he was gone.

When Castiel arrived back at the motel, Sam was gone. At first, he figured Dean had gone with him, seeing as how empty the place was, but a familiar voice behind him made him think differently.

"Cas?"

Once again, his head lowered and his brows knitted together, this time not in thought. He hesitated for a while, which he figured left Dean wondering, before he slowly turned around and let his eyes travel over to that familiar face and those familiar features. And the second he did, that fluttering feeling around his heart and stomach returned, his heart beating faster than he had ever experienced before.

He didn't say a word, just stayed silently and watched the hunter carefully, hoping his expressions alone would be enough to tell the man why he was here. But he got his hopes up because in the next moment, Dean's lips held a hint of a smile. And without thinking twice, he turned his gaze elsewhere again, turning his head to the side just lightly.

"Cas, what the hell are you doing here?"

Dean's voice was so soft yet so rough in the angel's ears, a voice he wouldn't mind continue listening to over and over again. But who was he fooling? He had to leave now before he was ordered back to heaven and who knew what kind of punishment he could get for getting too close to a human being. And not just any human being but Dean Winchester.

He was silent, not letting a single word pass his lips for a while. Not until he felt a hand softly yet firmly placed on his shoulder, another hand on the side of his face, forcefully yet somehow softly turning his head. At first, his eyes didn't follow. Not before he heard that rough voice say his name and before he knew it, he was looking into those gorgeous green eyes that held a worried expression in them, an expression he rarely saw anywhere on this man.

It made him feel strange, uneasy. Maybe this wasn't as good an idea as he thought it would be. Maybe it would be easier to just continue ignoring the prayers for him, the needy prayers, calls and shouting for him. Although, he knew that even if he did say goodbye now, Dean wouldn't stop calling for him. Or so he hoped for at least. Somewhere in his heart, he wished so much Dean would give him a good enough reason to stay and get his heart ripped to pieces. He wished so badly to know that even if he left he would be remembered, cared for and needed.

But he couldn't know that unless he tried.

"Dean..."

His sky blue eyes narrowed just a little, watching those green ones move around to search his face for something he figured would be an answer for his silence. But his face held the same as it always did, emotionless like a rock. He needed to be a rock if he wanted to survive. That was one of the many things he had learned over the thousands of years he had been of existence.

"I need to leave."

Those words had Dean furrow his brows, his head moving to the one side just slightly as his hand grabbed tightly around the angel's shoulder, hoping Castiel wouldn't just suddenly poof away from before him. He always hated the poof crap.

"Seriously? You come here for two freaking minutes and then you just _need_ to leave again? Cas –"

He didn't get to say anything else before Castiel came to interrupt him right away.

"I mean... this is goodbye, Dean."

Green eyes widened at those words and he felt a pain in the shoulder that was held by the hunter, a grip he knew what meant. He either didn't want him to leave or he was just trying to make him feel better by pretending.

"What do you mean goodbye, Cas? What the hell is going on?"

"Goodbye as in..."

Castiel paused, reaching up to grab around Dean's hand on his shoulder and even though it was difficult not to just let the hunter win and stay right here, he removed the hand from his shoulder. But he didn't let go. He held it lightly yet firmly, never taking his eyes from those bright green eyes staring back into his own sky blue ones.

And he uttered one final word, whispered softly and closely to Dean...

"... goodbye."

And then he was gone, leaving Dean alone in the motel room once again.

Castiel never experienced love. He never knew the wonders of love from people around you, the care and the happiness were strangers to him as well. He never wanted to feel such a way towards another of his Father's creations.

And he never wanted to know what it was like to lose it.

* * *

**A/N**: I do apologize for any typos I may have. My grammar isn't what it used to be.

Anyways, I hope this wasn't too bad. ;w;

Thank you for reading~.


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